In this quick “coffee break” chat, book coach Ameesha Green and author Carly Peacock discuss A Pocketful of Porn, her intimate discussion for women to understand the systemic issues and indoctrination of female violence and abuse through pornography.
Join book coach Ameesha Green and author Carly Peacock as they discuss A Pocketful of Porn, an intimate discussion for women to understand the systemic issues and indoctrination of female violence and abuse through pornography. As seen in Women’s Own, YOU magazine, and The Sun newspaper, Carly is taking a stand against the normalisation of pornography.
The parties, fun, and glamour are fueled by abuse, violence, trafficking… but nobody wants to talk about it — and that's exactly why we should.
Time-stamps:
[00:50] What made you want to write a book about the pornography industry?
[02:33] What did you discover while you were researching?
[06:23] Who did you decide to write it for?
[07:10] It’s a difficult subject
[07:45] It’s still quite difficult to get a publishing deal from a traditional publisher when you’re writing about controversial or non-mainstream topics
[07:56] What did you find was your biggest challenge in that process?
[08:24] Looking back, is there anything you would have done differently?
[10:22] If you had one piece of advice for aspiring authors, what would it be?
[11:05] What skill do you feel is the most important when becoming an author?
[11:56] Do you think it’s possible for people to salvage their relationship if one of them is addicted to pornography?
[12:28] How do you think it’s best to confront your partner if they’ve been watching porn or if they want to watch it with you?
Buy the book: A Pocketful of Porn by Carly Peacock
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TOPICS COVERED IN THIS EPISODE INCLUDE:
Abuse
Violence
Misogyny
The porn industry
Violence in the porn industry
Misogyny in the porn industry
Violence against women
Controversial subjects
Taboo subjects
Intimacy
Porn addiction
Publishing industry
Self-publishing
Traditional publishing
Carly Peacock Audio Interview
Ameesha:
Welcome to Better Shelves, a podcast from The Book Shelf Ltd. We help aspiring authors to create life-changing nonfiction books. We’re based in Birmingham, but we work with authors across the globe and our mission is to make the world a better place through books.
Hi Carly, thanks for joining us on the Better Shelves podcast today. We’re going to be talking about your book, A Pocket Full of Porn, which is, basically, a shocking exposé into the pornography industry. The book came out at the end of last year and it’s very, very educational and informative and also very eye-opening. So… what made you decide you wanted to write a book about the pornography industry? Did you also know you wanted to write a book about this?
Carly:
No, not at all! It actually started because of an issue in my relationship. So, I’d been with my boyfriend Tom for about 6 months. I remember thinking he was perfect in every way and he got on really well with my son and… I think I just felt very lucky that I had met a somebody sweet and honest. But then one day, I was taking photos of the three of us on his phone and I found an image of the porn girl.
Ameesha:
Yeah, I think a lot of women will have experienced that, actually. I definitely remember borrowing boyfriends’ phones in the past and accidentally finding pornography on there… and it’s quite shocking when you don’t expect it. How did you react when you found the pictures?
Carly:
I was really shocked because I felt like there was no need for porn in our relationship. And I was really disappointed in him, and that feeling then turned quickly into anger. Then, I remember when we got home, and my son was busy playing, so I asked him about it. Then, I also started researching the industry for myself and talking to him about what I discovered, and that’s what led me onto writing the book.
Ameesha:
Yeah… in the book you really, honestly detail the conversations you had with him and I don’t think many authors would be brave enough or comfortable enough to share those kinds of personal conversations so I really commend you for that.
Carly:
Yeah, the reason why I documented mine and Tom’s private conversations was because I wanted it to be real, I want women to see that this goes on in the majority of households and by having conversations with our partners, we could, actually, stop this.
Ameesha:
That’s so true. Those conversations are really interesting to read actually. So… what did you discover while you were researching?
Carly:
I found that it’s full of teenage girls and underage girls - you just have to spend 10 minutes on a mainstream porn site to see that. Nowadays, anybody can upload a video on their phone and post it onto a porn site, you just have to click a button confirming that you are 18 and over and this could be somebody as young as 11, they might just look older. Tom wasn’t aware of this and I don’t think many people are. And there were also hundreds of thousands of girls that are trafficked into porn, and there’s never an air-tight way of knowing if a girl is willingly there or not.
Ameesha:
Yeah, some of the things you mention in the book I found really shocking. I think the assumption is that everyone is having a great time, but the book really shines a light on what it’s actually like.
Carly:
Absolutely,I think the assumption is that everybody is having a great time, but a lot of people don’t know what it’s really like. A lot of the girls smile for the camera like they’re having a great time but they’ve actually taken strong painkillers beforehand because it’s so painful for them. On every mainstream porn site, I saw physical aggression and lots of verbal abuse towards girls. I also discovered how bad the porn performers' drugs and alcohol addictions were and realised this wasn’t just a problem with me and Tom; this is a global problem we have. I remember speaking to a lot of women when I researching for the book, and most think porn is normal and it’s kind of boy-girl having sex (just like I used to) but it’s not boy-girl having sex, it’s really degrading and I think women should watch it just so they can see for themselves how bad it really is.
Ameesha:
That’s such a good point. I actually spoke to a few of my friends and their partners about it while we were working on the book. And one of my friend’s partners said it’s really difficult to find “normal porn” these days–which I found so surprising. Some of the trends you mention in the book are, frankly, horrifying.
Carly:
Absolutely, I found that 88% of porn videos contain violence against women, and that many women now think it’s completely normal for their boyfriends to strangle them during sex or spit on them or have their breasts slapped. There’s actually a chapter, in my book, called ‘Sex Games Gone Wrong’ in the book where I talk about men literally getting away with murder and girls being strangled on Tinder dates or being told they’re boring for not wanting to be choked.
Ameesha:
It’s really concerning isn’t it? I mean that figure that 88% of porn videos contain violence against women has really stayed with me. And I think in a time when we’re talking about violence against women and, you know, women being murdered when they’re walking home… we really need to look into the things that are creating this culture; where violence against women is seen as acceptable and, if we’re ignoring the fact that 88% of porn contains violence against women, then we have a big issue. I think another thing you talk about is younger children have access to pornography. They’re basically seeing videos that suggest that women want them to be violent during sex and we really need to talk about the effect is this having on children which is a topic that you raise in the book, and I think that it is such an important point that isn’t really being discussed.
Carly:
Yes, I found that boys as young as 11 are watching this violent porn. People don’t realise you can watch porn for free on social media on your phones. That’s where the name A Pocketful of Porn came from. I was shocked at the amount of rape and sexual assault cases we have in our schools – and what the experts are suggesting is that porn is one of the main causes of sexual violence. It’s also making young girls think they have to sexualise themselves. I definitely don’t want my son growing up thinking it’s normal to hit women during sex.
Ameesha:
Absolutely. I am so glad you decided to write this book because I learned so much from it as a woman. I think other women will as well. Who did you, initially, decide to write it for? Was it for other women?
Carly:
Before I started writing it, I did ask my male friends if they would buy a book about the dark side of porn and want to read the conversations between myself and my partner… some wanted to know if there were going to be pornographic pictures in the book and the others said they wouldn’t buy it because wouldn’t want to stop watching porn… so I wanted the book to be for women and for them to know what really goes on in secret and to know the truth about what porn actually is, which is abuse, drugs, disease, underage girls, trafficking. So, they can then start that conversation with their partner.
Ameesha:
That’s such a good point. Even though it’s a difficult subject and it’s awkward. We do need to start talking about porn.
Carly:
Yeah, I agree. Absolutely. I realised that when I originally tried to get a publisher and found that agents read the word “porn” and automatically didn’t want anything to do with it. It’s really frustrating when people aren’t on the same page as you, and having it rejected is so hard because you believe in it, and it becomes your baby, but nobody wants to take it on because it’s so controversial.
Ameesha:
Of course. It’s still quite difficult to get a publishing deal from a traditional publisher when you’re writing about controversial or non-mainstream topics. But it’s great that you decided to self-publish and it’s… one of the reasons why I absolutely love self-publishing is because it gives people a platform to talk about these really important topics. What did you find was your biggest challenge in that process?
Carly:
I think the biggest challenge was having time to write it. It took me four years! I work full-time as a children’s residential worker and I have a son, so every moment I had to myself I would write. Working in a children’s home, I work shifts so it was tricky but manageable. I think, also, if you really want to do something, then you make time for it.
Ameesha:
And looking back is there anything you would have done differently?
Carly:
I had been writing the book for over a year and asked someone to take a look at it for me. She told me I should be referencing everything. It seems so obvious, but I hadn’t been doing it. I had just assumed people would believe what I was writing, so it never, actually, occurred to me that they might want to look up a source and read a report or article themselves. It took me a long time to go back over everything and try to find the sources again. So, if I could do anything differently, it would be to start referencing everything straight away!
Ameesha:
That’s so true. It’s much each if you keep track of your references because it’s a pain going back to find them later, but, let’s be honest, nobody really enjoys referencing. It’s definitely not the happiest moment in anyone’s publishing process. What was the happiest moment in the publishing process for you?
Carly:
Probably having the award-winning writer and journalist Tanith Carey get in touch with me via Instagram soon after I had published it. She told me that we thought alike, and I immediately asked if she would like me to send her a copy of the book and she said yes! Afterwards, she interviewed me for YOU magazine which is a magazine that the Daily Mail do and put me in touch with other editors which got me an interview in Woman’s Own and The Sun newspaper and also a radioshow. So, and the Amazon reviews I’m getting are so lovely. I’m just so chuffed that people are reading it, and getting it, and saying things like “it’s a massive wake-up call” and “it’s a handbook for all women.”
Ameesha:
Oh, that’s amazing! It’s great that the book is having a positive impact and I totally agree that everyone should be reading this book. It’s also a really good point about reaching out to magazines and trying to get traditional PR. I think that’s an area that’s often overlooked by self-publishing authors, but it can really help get the word out there about your books. Aside from that, if you had one piece of advice for aspiring authors, what would it be?
Carly:
You have to listen to yourself and realise that you’re not going to please everyone. I had so many people saying different things to me about my book. But I think it’s important to take advice but, at the end of the day, you are the writer and it’s coming from your heart so if that’s what you believe in, then go for it. Some people will love it and some people won’t.
Ameesha:
That’s such good advice. Not everyone will love your book. I think most authors hope they’ll only get 5 star reviews, but the reality is that there will always be someone who doesn’t enjoy it or doesn’t agree with what you’re saying. But you should definitely just get the word out there anyway. So, aside from having a thick skin, what skill do you feel is the most important when becoming an author?
Carly:
I think: To be real. Just be real. Talk in a way that the majority of us can understand and relate to and to hire an editor. I’m not just saying this because you were my editor, but working with an editor really helps you because it just makes the book sharper and better so everything flows. They also offer support and guidance and ideas that you can take or leave.
Ameesha:
Oh, thank you. I really appreciate that. I absolutely loved working with you on the book. I found it so informative, but I learned so much from it. I also enjoyed reading the story of you and Tom and how your relationship progressed. I won’t reveal the end of the book to readers about what happens with you and Tom. But, I will ask, do you think it’s possible for people to salvage their relationship is one of people are addicted to pornography?
Carly:
I think so. A lot of work needs to be done, it’s not just one conversation or one documentary or one article that will do it, as you have to undo years and years of something that is completely normalised. We have to re-educate ourselves. But it’s worth it because who wants to get off to something that exploits women?
Ameesha:
Absolutely. It’s tough but it’s definitely worth doing. It’s definitely worth having those conversations with your partner. How do you think it’s best to confront your partner if they’ve been watching porn or if they want to watch it with you?
Carly:
Well, I would suggest reading my book, A Pocketful of Porn, because it educates people on what porn really is and what it really does to people. I believe that the secret porn use we have in our society is like a silent partner in so many relationships. Even men in the most loving relationships can find it’s become wired in their brains and I want to shift men’s mindset from “porn is normal and great fun” to “porn is exploitation and full of girls dressed up in school uniforms.” In the book, I suggest ice-breakers you can use with your partner or teenager.
Ameesha:
Yeah, and those ice-breakers are really helpful. I think the key message here is: we all need to talk about porn more and we all need to educate ourselves. We want to see positive change and we’d all like to see a world where there is less violence against women. I think we all need to play a part in that. Even though it’s awkward and difficult and we don’t really want to be having these conversations. You know, I really thank you for your bravery in putting the book out there and being so honest about the journey you went on and I highly recommend that people buy the book. It’s on Amazon. It’s called _‘A Pocketful of Porn_’ and people will really learn a lot from it. Hopefully we’ll start to see a positive change. Thank you so much for speaking to us today, Carly. I hope everybody buys the book!
Carly:
Thanks Ameesha. Thank you everybody! Thank you! Bye!
Ameesha:
We can’t wait for you to join us as we talk more about writing, publishing, and self-improvement on this podcast. And we’d love to hear from you! What tips would you find useful? What questions do you need answered? You can find us on our website, Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter @thebookshelf.ltd. Send us your questions via social media! We’d love to hear from you.
In the next chapter, we’ll be speaking to Jym Brown, author of #Life and Clever Enough to Be Stupid.
The music featured in today’s episode is ‘Set Free’ by Katie Gray which you can find on Apple Music and Spotify.
Thanks for listening to the Better Shelves podcast, we’ll see you in the next chapter!